“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.