“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
wut hotdog?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.