“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Me: Same
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again