What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Sticker placement is key.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”