WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
ME: AND SO IS HE!
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY