“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..