What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
You Might Also Like
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
#oldknees
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
i want to work in this restaurant
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests