What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*