What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem