“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.