@machinegunkelly

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

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@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@mommeh_dearest

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

@a_simpl_man

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

@FrogAvalanche

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@JasonCarney31

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.