What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.


I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets


My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.


“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”


My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.


“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”


Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.