Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?