What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Florida be like…
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”