what could possibly go wrong?
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
FRED: right
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”