@causticbob

what day is it?

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@Ygrene

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@BigJDubz

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

@punished_cait

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@Stoned_Deva_

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

@msdanifernandez

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@bobby

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

@mattytalks

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please