what day is it?
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I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork