What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”