@lmegordon

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

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@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@FlyJ_

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@robdelaney

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

@CAshmanActor

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

@Brianhopecomedy

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

@DeadLioness

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was