What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.