What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked


Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.


Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.


I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.


Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.


Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.


What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.