@lmegordon

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

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@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

@Mike_Wrong

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

@jifrulz

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

@iLikeCatShirts

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@adult_keverage

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.