what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
lost dog
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”