“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting