What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
…u ok Nintendo?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer