What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
goldfish mafia
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.