@TEXASVETERAN

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

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@ellewasamistake

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@ChaseMit

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

@Schroofles

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

@Cornjerker78

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive