What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I need better friends
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song