Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

🙅🏻

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind