What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Guantanamo Bae
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.