what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Flock of bats
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas