what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Breaking news:
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Still laughing at this stupid meme