@CindyNoPants

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

@rachelle_mandik

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

@PrettyInCamo11

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@RodLacroix

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

@_wangwe

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

@Hect0rMayorga

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know