What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
two people or more is called a problem
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair