What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
You Might Also Like
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.