What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke