What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Employees must applaud the planets.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!