What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Oh my God.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*3.5 thank you very much.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.