What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.