What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science