@MissBamanthaa

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

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@shutupmikeginn

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

@murrman5

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

@ElayneBoosler

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

@PetrickSara

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@LostFelicia

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.