What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The First Farmer
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.