What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Day 2 of my diet
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Is this a threat?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it