What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Basically.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
looks legit
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.