What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job