What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off