What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
and this one
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously