You Might Also Like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
classic mixup
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?