What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.