What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.