“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu