What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?

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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝


If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank


So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.


ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?


ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.


kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am


College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger


JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor


JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim


[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*