What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.