I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.