“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”