What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Love this one 😂🧟
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*