@markydoodoo Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
@theB6Chronicles WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
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@markydoodoo 
@SardonicTart I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
@Book_Krazy Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
@OddMarc I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
@JohnLyonTweets I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
@jp_mcdade Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
@DavidAdt1 Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
@dreamsinchocola My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
@AnkCoupleTO Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?