What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.