@kelkulus

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

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@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

@ShortSleeveSuit

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

@Travon

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

@TheDizzyBeauty

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@ericsshadow

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@notacroc

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.