What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Blew my mind.